Today it was calm and music played reminding me of links to my life
Days when I felt like I was vital, and today I was unable to pull away from
This fatigue of the heart and body that is so difficult
To manage until midway through the day
I just break. And it shakes its sadness all over and I'm just without hope.
Just that sick, and, if I forget, the blood peering up at me in the
Staff bathroom reminds me things aren't ever working out
It's as real as it looks staring back like a fresh cut.
And there isn't anyone to call to talk to about it.
There really isn't anyone to talk to about it.
Showing posts with label lonliness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lonliness. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Abraham Knew
A Day in the Life Of
.....And the Greatest of These Is love....
I don't think the truth is in "our hearts"...
i think love is in our hearts.
Truth is something that is so different.
At least for me. It isn't found there wrapped in "I"
truth is what at the end of the days
says something from a somewhere else
it says you cant beat your baby child
fool you need to feed everyone and share
or says that having a golden rule you ignore
is a wrong thing, is a lie against yourself
that plays on the minds and the bodies
of those forced to sit and await you waking to
its revelation and its being owned
by those who have invested heavily
in it never finding the light of a day
in this way i see truth as a
kind of light that shines outside of self
for us and guides in the darkness of being
love for me is contained within as an
action force to guide us to truth
It allows it to be revealed to a human
Love is my body, my doing, the action
love is pro creative, it is what bathes our
babies and holds on to our shoulders as we fall
From the knowing found in love
Man moves toward the capacity to search for truths
a lifetime looking for its glimmers
by itself truth not held by a love force i think
no man would look, seek it, would we?
Ultimately what truth reveals would be so much fire
a being would burn alive in the knowing
as once a burning bush seared a servant
that beheld the truth set into a rock of absolute rules
.....And the Greatest of These Is love....
I don't think the truth is in "our hearts"...
i think love is in our hearts.
Truth is something that is so different.
At least for me. It isn't found there wrapped in "I"
truth is what at the end of the days
says something from a somewhere else
it says you cant beat your baby child
fool you need to feed everyone and share
or says that having a golden rule you ignore
is a wrong thing, is a lie against yourself
that plays on the minds and the bodies
of those forced to sit and await you waking to
its revelation and its being owned
by those who have invested heavily
in it never finding the light of a day
in this way i see truth as a
kind of light that shines outside of self
for us and guides in the darkness of being
love for me is contained within as an
action force to guide us to truth
It allows it to be revealed to a human
Love is my body, my doing, the action
love is pro creative, it is what bathes our
babies and holds on to our shoulders as we fall
From the knowing found in love
Man moves toward the capacity to search for truths
a lifetime looking for its glimmers
by itself truth not held by a love force i think
no man would look, seek it, would we?
Ultimately what truth reveals would be so much fire
a being would burn alive in the knowing
as once a burning bush seared a servant
that beheld the truth set into a rock of absolute rules
Saturday, September 8, 2007
Dance Me To The End
A year ago I went to a doctor
A referral to figure out pain
My heart or stomach cancer or a cyst in my spine?
Or if the neurologist could help figure it out.
Within my two sentences he said,
"You are a dog. If you were a dog
We would give you Prozac."
This followed some trajectory for him.
I'm fatter now and in pain.
Want a few answers, some idea
Of why the syrnix causes such debilitating issues
How to distinguish it from my intestinal cancer.
It's a bit odd to have to bark and fetch
Whoof and shake my tail
In order to deal with a medical
Examination gone wrong.
One in which I am also informed he is
"Not my father" or not really, "Paid to care"
As if I would ever have the illusion I was
Paying some neurologist to "care"
I'd prefer to pay ten dollars
And buy a bag of peanut butter patties from See's
You'd get something worth sharing
With the ladies on the bus.
This the same doctor that took my drivers license
Four years earlier when I was passing out
Referred after a hysterectomy
When I noted repeat fainting and the surgeon
Was in follow up two weeks home, "Too busy to see me then."
His nurse saying , "It sounds neurological."
Sure after a hysterectomy fever and fainting
Always sounds neurological to me too.
Went on, in a week, to a month's hospitalization
I was fainting from the infections
Through my entire abdominal cavity
"Missed" by the men of science who were definitely not looking.
6 months without driving, recovering from the Demerol
Pumped in IV into my arm, head then trapped
In a hospital stay from hell that destroyed life for many days
When the cancer in my intestine was also "missed"
Returned to work, through these four years, always worked
One year of which I had to wait to get that license due to
Seizures the Demerol triggered, so walks, buses, rides
And now having that botched hysterectomy....
Several cancer surgeries, scans, tests, pills, pains
Weekly infusions, full time job teaching, kids to try to love
Years of severe anemia, often no care for it, transfusions,
A spinal problem escalated through this, untreated
A life of peritonitis and gastric bleeds
From a GIST tumor that caused immense infiltrations of an artery
Then catastrophic bleeding and chaos, confusion
With lovely, lovely issues in a heart damaged long past by attack
I wanted then to be thought of as
A fat dog that was lolling around
Waiting for a neurological egomaniac to
Throw me a bone and tell me what to expect
From my expanding syrnix, how fair he was.
But for all of that as hard as it is, as revealing to me about life
To hold in my middle aged and "needing someone to listen"
Self, having another doctor, one I thought of with love
Take "the dog" and turn it again
Into myself, into my eyes wide open
Looking at the scrolling page and reading
Something written in such cold blood
Mine.
Convinces me that
I am less a dog now than I ever was
A year ago.
A referral to figure out pain
My heart or stomach cancer or a cyst in my spine?
Or if the neurologist could help figure it out.
Within my two sentences he said,
"You are a dog. If you were a dog
We would give you Prozac."
This followed some trajectory for him.
I'm fatter now and in pain.
Want a few answers, some idea
Of why the syrnix causes such debilitating issues
How to distinguish it from my intestinal cancer.
It's a bit odd to have to bark and fetch
Whoof and shake my tail
In order to deal with a medical
Examination gone wrong.
One in which I am also informed he is
"Not my father" or not really, "Paid to care"
As if I would ever have the illusion I was
Paying some neurologist to "care"
I'd prefer to pay ten dollars
And buy a bag of peanut butter patties from See's
You'd get something worth sharing
With the ladies on the bus.
This the same doctor that took my drivers license
Four years earlier when I was passing out
Referred after a hysterectomy
When I noted repeat fainting and the surgeon
Was in follow up two weeks home, "Too busy to see me then."
His nurse saying , "It sounds neurological."
Sure after a hysterectomy fever and fainting
Always sounds neurological to me too.
Went on, in a week, to a month's hospitalization
I was fainting from the infections
Through my entire abdominal cavity
"Missed" by the men of science who were definitely not looking.
6 months without driving, recovering from the Demerol
Pumped in IV into my arm, head then trapped
In a hospital stay from hell that destroyed life for many days
When the cancer in my intestine was also "missed"
Returned to work, through these four years, always worked
One year of which I had to wait to get that license due to
Seizures the Demerol triggered, so walks, buses, rides
And now having that botched hysterectomy....
Several cancer surgeries, scans, tests, pills, pains
Weekly infusions, full time job teaching, kids to try to love
Years of severe anemia, often no care for it, transfusions,
A spinal problem escalated through this, untreated
A life of peritonitis and gastric bleeds
From a GIST tumor that caused immense infiltrations of an artery
Then catastrophic bleeding and chaos, confusion
With lovely, lovely issues in a heart damaged long past by attack
I wanted then to be thought of as
A fat dog that was lolling around
Waiting for a neurological egomaniac to
Throw me a bone and tell me what to expect
From my expanding syrnix, how fair he was.
But for all of that as hard as it is, as revealing to me about life
To hold in my middle aged and "needing someone to listen"
Self, having another doctor, one I thought of with love
Take "the dog" and turn it again
Into myself, into my eyes wide open
Looking at the scrolling page and reading
Something written in such cold blood
Mine.
Convinces me that
I am less a dog now than I ever was
A year ago.
Monday, September 3, 2007
Cancer
Cancer
on Fighting Cancer
Leave yourself here on the table for the procedure of the day
You battle through it as an exhausted warrior.
Now counting backward strides for granted forward moments of life,
Daunting to wake and maintain this struggle with disillusioned grief, pain, fear,love,
Knowing less each day. And then it's another test. Another round. Another test. Less. Less.
Remembering sometimes quietly those that didn't win anything on this front line, losses,
Signing, accepting the fixes, opinions, plans, head down waiting for something you can't want.
Medical cures, trials, this "industry" having to construct a wall that feels a thoughtlessness
Only taking offense when we remind them of the personal "me" prices paid,
For their experiments, by our human psyche just needing time to vent it's fatigue.
You want to be cuddled in your corner of a bed away from the lights of treatments
Compassionate responses get harder to recognize, undergirding you for the next loss,
Marked by dispassion, treating you without the capacity to connect their actions to your relief.
For then they might connect to your suffering too, debilitating knowledge this shared horror
You did nothing wrong. They did nothing wrong. In a wrong place, wrong time.In an office.
But you are marred with internal adhesions by the injustice of all of it. All wrong.Wrongs.
Nothing about this brings confusion to clarity. Dimming you. Wrong words. It is.
You just battled to be here. Brave but vanquished. Trying to find inner strengths.
Distinguishing an enemy or a nurse, cure or poison, shot, love, injection, tube, swallow
Difficult maintaining the polite distances and civility, reasonableness.
The silent scream will allow you no voice. Yes, no. No underwear today? No I'll hold my things.
Pull off things, you want to burn them as you disrobe for another wait for the cold of the processes.
Gurney taking away another piece of self. Remove your ring please. A rule.
Remove you, please, it is time to send yourself away. Just the body, my body.
Leave yourself here on the table for the procedure of the day.
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