Cancer

Cancer

One of the things I am includes something I haven't overly verbalized. I'm a "survivor of cancer". At least so far...
on Fighting Cancer


Leave yourself here on the table for the procedure of the day

You battle through it as an exhausted warrior.
Now counting backward strides for granted forward moments of life,
Daunting to wake and maintain this struggle with disillusioned grief, pain, fear,love,
Knowing less each day. And then it's another test. Another round. Another test. Less. Less.
Remembering sometimes quietly those that didn't win anything on this front line, losses,
Signing, accepting the fixes, opinions, plans, head down waiting for something you can't want.

Medical cures, trials, this "industry" having to construct a wall that feels a thoughtlessness
Only taking offense when we remind them of the personal "me" prices paid,
For their experiments, by our human psyche just needing time to vent it's fatigue.
You want to be cuddled in your corner of a bed away from the lights of treatments
Compassionate responses get harder to recognize, undergirding you for the next loss,
Marked by dispassion, treating you without the capacity to connect their actions to your relief.

For then they might connect to your suffering too, debilitating knowledge this shared horror
You did nothing wrong. They did nothing wrong. In a wrong place, wrong time.In an office.
But you are marred with internal adhesions by the injustice of all of it. All wrong.Wrongs.
Nothing about this brings confusion to clarity. Dimming you. Wrong words. It is.
You just battled to be here. Brave but vanquished. Trying to find inner strengths.

Distinguishing an enemy or a nurse, cure or poison, shot, love, injection, tube, swallow
Difficult maintaining the polite distances and civility, reasonableness.
The silent scream will allow you no voice. Yes, no. No underwear today? No I'll hold my things.
Pull off things, you want to burn them as you disrobe for another wait for the cold of the processes.
Gurney taking away another piece of self. Remove your ring please. A rule.
Remove you, please, it is time to send yourself away. Just the body, my body.
Leave yourself here on the table for the procedure of the day.